Gopher Preserve

Welcome to my gopher preserve, otherwise known as my back yard. In between snow flurries, the first hints of spring are in the air, and I find myself looking longingly out the windows. It would be so nice to be able to spend some time outside without freezing.

I hate gardening, but I do wish I had a nicer garden. However, every time I suggest planting something, my husband vetoes the location because he plans to dig it up, take down a tree, or Round-up the area to get rid of what he considers to be weeds. It would seem that every member of his family hates Spirea with a personal vengeance. It used to cover the stone wall to the left of our back yard, but we've been removing it for years, and there's not much left. Frankly, I rather like it, and I wouldn't mind keeping it at the level we have now, but my vote does not count.

Anyway, our back yard is dominated by grass. For half of the year, the lawn needs to be mowed at least once per week, and moles and gophers don't like the lawnmower. That means that when I'm mowing all the time, there are only about half this many gopher mounds and mole hills. We've tried just about everything to try to get rid of them:

• chemical repellents (not particularly effective)
  
• traps (yea, right)
  
• ultrasonic repellents (good for moving the activity about 30 feet/10 meters for the first couple weeks)
• used cat litter down the holes (results in a new hole right next to it)
• gone bad fish (or the liquid from pickled herring) down the holes (results in a new hole a few feet away).

What we haven't tried is coupling the exhaust pipe from something with a two stroke motor (like an old moped or Saab) to a hose that goes down one hole while making sure all the others are closed. I've heard people swear by this method, but with all our vehicles, we do not have access to the right kind of motor. Do any of my local readers know where we could borrow one? Anyone have any other suggestions?